Future Goals and Your Past

For better or worse, without your past you wouldn't be standing here today in all your richness, full of possibility - and that is a gift we awaken to daily.

Every client I coach comes to me with the hope of changing something in their life, whether their habits, coping skills, relationship, career, etc. They come longing for a future that is different from their present. Most are ready to sit down and discuss where they see themselves developing and evolving over the next month or year and almost all are surprised when I ask them to look back as well as forward. Why? Because we don't want to look at the actions and circumstances that got us to the place we're not content to be - Our Present Situation.

However, looking back as a way of moving forward is essential. When you begin to observe the treasure of characteristics that helped you along the way, it's empowering and invigorating! Just as empowering, although a bit more vulnerable, is being attentive to the characteristics and actions that have hindered you.  After all, you don't want to repeat the steps that lead to your failure, you want to learn from them. It is by far one of the lessons that people tend to resist and one that I like to reframe as: 

"All of your past has been part of your ongoing development. You are not static; you are an unfolding, evolving and interconnected individual. Some of your capacities are more developed while others are less developed.. As coach and client, we need to maintain those characteristics that have fostered your success and we need to strengthen areas that are less developed that hinder your success."

And the way to do this is to honor all parts of you. Because every part of you has a valuable lesson to teach. Yes, every part of you.

As an Integral Developmental Coach, I am most effective in assisting your growth when you are able to share not only: your joys and pleasures but your fears and anxiety; not only healthy eating habits but your lack of exercise; not only your close relationships but the people you can't stand to be around; not only the people and institutions that you feel supported by but those that you feel pull you down.

In putting this all together, we come up with a map. A map of the territory called You! You'll begin to witness the interconnected levels and stages of your life and have a better idea of where you came from, where you're going and how to get there.

Think of your past as stepping stones towards your future.  When you do this, you thrive!

Here's To Your Evolution,

John Herberger, M.Ed.

In Awakening.com

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Evolving Into Higher Self

Someone asked me recently, "How do I know if I'm living from my True Self rather than from my False Self (aka Egoic Self)?" 

It's a great question, especially since we often will look at the so called "good" in our lives and avoid what we label the "bad". Of course we gravitate towards self examination that revolves around our loving responses and interactions. Yet, the very thing we need is to face ourselves in all parts - even our shadow. Begin by looking at when you are responding to others (or yourself) in:

self-contraction

constant reaction

preconditioned reaction

in survival (fear) mode

This is living from ego's perspective. Don't avoid it. Take some time to examine it. It's offering you a gift. 

What lies beneath the contracted or preconditioned response in your interactions? Whether the person you are interacting with is in the car lane next to you, a coworker in the office, a server at a restaurant, your kids or your significant other.

Examining what lies beneath the response is an important question, a decidedly necessary question - if you want your True Self to unfold. And when your True Self begins to appear you make room for new possibilities. This not only improves your life, your relationships but also improves the lives of those with whom you are interacting. I guarantee your life will change. 

Our interactions require self examination for a Deeper Self to evolve. It is one of the great truths of every philosophy and religion. And most of us tend to be avoidant. Turn around and face the disowned self and you will have clarity regarding your perspective and whether you are responding from the Truer Evolving Self or your Egoic Self.

(These thoughts are not new; however, I owe much to Marc Gafni and Craig Hamilton if you care to read more on the subject)

Committing To Your Development

Nietzsche wrote,

“There are two different types of people in the world, those who want to know, and those who want to believe.” 

Knowing takes more courage than believing. Most of us will defend our beliefs even when truth stands in opposition. It is an inherent part of being human. We are attached to our own beliefs; we own them and we defend them. However, in this changing world of impermanence, to remain open is to be able to examine oneself with a self-awareness that makes room for possibilities. Remaining open allows us to develop and evolve.

Resistance is normal. All of us resist change, particularly when it comes to what we choose to believe.  I've worked with many clients over the years who were blown away when a belief they held was in opposition to a new view which was demanding consideration. They struggle to make sense of it usually by defending their belief and slowly seeing how another view fits in with the already established belief.  This is the beginning of openness for many of us.  Other clients resist with such fortitude they just continue swimming in their denial.  While the former can be scary the latter is crippling to growth.  Making room for the new perspective, the new idea, brings about a shift in awareness. This has been going on since we were born. Working with individuals, couples and families, I see shifts in beliefs happen all the time. Here are just of few examples a beliefs held by individuals at the beginning of therapy or coaching:

My parents hate me.

I only ever attract losers as dates.

I'll never be good at sports.

I'm a great husband because I'm the provider.

My website is phenomenal even though I don't get any traffic.

There is no way my kid is gay.

I could never start my own business.

The Universe/God is against me.

These beliefs have a starting place in which to begin a shift and with some commitment to being open, things will change.  For instance a person who has never excelled at sports may never had any training. A husband may be an excellent provider and may ignore the emotional needs of his wife and kids. Others may believe that fate rules their destiny and that they don't play any part in their success or failure because taking ownership was never a value instilled in them growing up.

So, if you've been holding a certain point of view for many years, it's unlikely you're just going to turn around and say "I was wrong all along.”  Of course you’re going to have some resistance.  Beginning to work through your resistance is a commitment to “knowing.”  Sure, you might say you are open to new input, but when it enters your life, are you quick to reject it?  The ego is a tricky bastard and will shape shift in order to seemingly align with your belief system.  That's often where an outside view from a coach or a therapist is helpful.

Want some clues to see if you're resisting being open? When faced with a different perspective are you falling into one of the following archetypal roles:

Judge - Righteous, digging in and insisting you're the authority on the subject

Victim - Looking to be rescued insisting you have no power

Rebel - Attacking the other view with vehement anger

Prince/Princess - Self-importance, other views are secondary or not even worth consideration

These are manifestations of the ego. Own them but don't over identify with them.  Recognize that your resistance may be keeping you from a deeper truth in your life, keeping you from developing more quickly - on both a personal and interpersonal level. Then move through them.

Here's to your continued evolution,

John

John F Herberger, M.Ed

In Awakening.com

The Body Is A Container For Your Emotions (Is Your Container Leaking?)

Have you ever noticed a child on a playground fall down and skin their knee?  Often times they will look up stunned, searching the scene for their parent or caretaker and only when their parent is within sight does the child begins to cry.  A good parent will scoop up the child in their arms, allow them to cry, begin to soothe the child’s emotional fear by talking to the child, reframing their fear and then instill a belief that everything will be ok. The parent is a container for their child’s emotion.  In most cases this is all the child needs and within minutes they are back playing with their friends.

As we develop into adolescence and further into adulthood we learn to contain our own emotions and rely less on others for validation. Some of us are better at it than others.  That’s okay because it’s one of those areas in life we can always cultivate.

Many of us have worked to ensure we become more adept at dealing with our emotions.  We read self-help books, attend workshops and surround our self with like-minded people.

Yet at the same time we overload ourselves with tasks, workloads, information and technology.  This wears the body down and over time the ignored body is no longer proficient at holding our emotions.

So what are some ways we can honor the body, ensuring it continues to be an effective emotional container?

1.      Sleep – science has indicated that lack of deep sleep is epidemic in our western society.  Most people need 8 hours of sleep a night to refresh the body and process the day’s information. The average person is falling 2 to 3 hours short of this goal.  If this is true for you, begin by increasing your sleep by half hour increments a week.  Prepare for bed a half hour earlier; set the tone by shutting off technology and cultivating a space to enter into sleep. Not only will your body be a better container for your daily emotions, many emotions may be processed while sleeping.

2.      Exercise – even if it’s walking 15 minutes after dinner. This doesn’t have to be an intense workout or yoga routine.  Start where you are and build from there. If you did 10 minutes of exercise each weekday morning, focusing on a different body part you will have exercised 50 minutes a week and you’ll increase your health, body image and work out some stress.

3.      Breathe - there is nothing easier.  Much has been written on various breathing techniques; however, you can begin by simply counting your in-breath, holding for one second and then making your out-breath at least one second longer than your in-breath.  Do this for 5 to 15 minutes a day and watch the stress melt away and feel your body relax and unwind.

4.      Diet – are you feeding your emotional container what it needs, fresh vegetables and fruits, less processed foods, caffeine and alcohol?  Again, you can start slow. Add a piece of fruit to your diet while cutting back on one caffeine drink a day.  Stimulants and depressants will not allow the body to contain emotions effectively - for many reasons the least of which are serotonin levels that effect mood.

5.      Contemplate and/or Meditate – spend some time contemplating a reading, journaling or meditating.  This does not require hours sitting on a mat in a lotus position.  It can be as little as 10 minutes in the morning, on lunch break or before bed. Sit quietly and let go.

In some ways this is your higher-self parenting the developing emotional-self,  holding the wounded emotions soothingly in its arms.  It is a stance of compassionate and loving-kindness directed toward self. 

I leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements.  He states “Always Do Your Best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.”

John Herberger, M.Ed.

InAwakening.com

So You Want Your Life To Change

So you've examined your life and decided something needs to change.  Now that you have figured out what it is that needs changing . . .

How much time are you going to invest in changing?

This question is pivotal.  Whether it's your relationship(s), your career, your spiritual growth or any other aspect of your life.  Knowing you need to change is the first step and don't stop there.

Invest your time -
In researching the issue
In brainstorming
In contemplating
In planning
In acting differently than you've been acting.
Do something different! Do something more.

Decide how much time you're going to spend investing in change.

Until you do, things will just remain the same . . .

Much Aloha,
John Herberger M.Ed.
InAwakening.com

Laugh and Let Go

“Meditation is not a means of forgetting the ego; it is a method of using the ego to observe and tame its own manifestations.”

~Mark Epstein

I've been spending some time with my ego in meditation.  I (as ego) vacillate between two poles. On the one hand there are my Superior Stories where I judge others, especially when driving on the road or walking past new age baby boomers at the farmer's market and on the other hand there are the Self Deprecating Stories, where I'm "not good enough or up to par".

This of course is normal and fairly universal.

The practice of observing and not getting caught up in the story has and will be ongoing at this point in my life.  The ego is tricky and re-manifests itself all the time in a new form. It is especially adept at attaching itself to some newly gained knowledge or newly found spiritual truth.

One day in meditation I had a spontaneous reaction to observing my ego - I began to laugh at myself.  It just looked so silly and inane. "Oh look there you are John telling a Superior Story again, like you need that in order to exist".  It is laughable and in laughing there is a letting go.

The wonderful thing about getting to know one's shadow side, by becoming conscious of it and not judging or getting caught up in it, is that it loses some of its power.  What remains underneath the ego is gold.  It is the higher power pressing on and pushing to emerge. For me it is the Evolutionary Impulse.

However, if we ignore the ego, it will continue to throw out defenses, drive us into anxiety and keep us from evolving.

My advice: "Press On . . . and Be Sure To Laugh Along The Way"

Much Aloha,

John Herberger, M.Ed.

InAwakening.com  

Quit or Continue?

Quitters never win and winners never quit!

Actually sometimes the opposite is true.
There's a philosophy prevalent in our culture of "never give up" or "die trying" mentality.
But some of the most successful people in the world are ones who knew when to hold 'em and knew when to fold 'em.  These people are adept at realizing when they should hang in there trying and when it's time to jump a sinking ship.

Most of us have struggled with this balance, whether it was a relationship, business venture, employment or even a belief system.  Our nature to second guess ourselves doesn't help bring clarity to this dilemma either.

So how do we bring clarity when we find ourselves in this difficult place?

1. Get Back To Your Center
Use what works to return to your center - meditate, run, breathe, hike, EFT, etc.

2. Continue With #1 - Don't Rush
When we desire change, it's easy to jump the gun.  Spend some time in your center. The longer you are there, the clearer your decision will be (even if you don't know what that is yet) and the less likely you will be to second guess yourself later or be riddled with guilt.

3. Revisit Your Original Vision
What was your original vision? Write it down and look at it. Whether it's qualities you're seeking in a relationship or an original business plan or a belief system.  What happens when you view it?  Does it excite you?  Make you feel alive? Then spend some time with this and see what emerges. Spend everyday looking at this (again, don't rush - you didn't get into this dilemma overnight and unless there is a deadline looming, you can afford to marinate in your vision)

4. Revise
If you feel lackluster after spending some time with your original vision, it may be time to revise your goal.  Start penning your new goals until you feel energized and enthusiastic.

5. Return to #1
Spend some time in your center again.  After any time spent re-energizing your Vision/Goal, it's time to return to center.  Most people skip this step, we like the feeling of being re-energized (for some people it's even addictive).  Coming back to your center is the needed balance in the process. You'll be less likely to take missteps towards your vision.

6. Make Changes
We usually want to make changes after step one or two.   However, if we follow all the steps above we will be in the best place cognitively and emotionally to change our actions to meet our original vision or to actually change our vision (and therefore our actions)

Aloha from Maui,
John