A Response To Life's Emotionally Charged Challenges In The New Year

It's the New Year - always a great time for reflection.

I don't do resolutions for the New Year because I tend to be a "year round" goal setter and practitioner .  I'd say it probably comes from my years as a therapist and coach; it's sort of inherent to the work. Some goals are ongoing (like exercise, diet, etc.) some tend to be new (like taking a class or traveling)  and some take more effort than others because they push me beyond my comfort edge.

In December I began to revisit some of the teachings I received from one of my most beloved teachers, Craig Hamilton. I am carrying this goal into 2015. Craig's deep understanding of development, evolution and humanity not only resonates with my own understanding, it pushes me forward with loving kindness. His teachings also remind me that the "We" is greater than the "me" and that the "me" must still be given attention.

As someone who has been an undisciplined mindful meditator for years, Craig's meditation template has taken me deeper, moved me beyond myself  and allowed me to better connect with my fellow human beings (and myself) with more loving-kindness. So I'm upping my meditation and contemplation practice - yet again.

I would like to share with you a piece of Craig's teaching  regarding "challenges" that I hope you find beneficial. When I choose to pay attention and not get mindlessly caught up in an emotionally charged situation, this way of responding always brings about the best solution.

Wishing you nothing but the best in 2015,

John

Craig Hamilton on Challenges:

When you encounter a challenging and emotionally charged situation in your life, before you respond, take a few minutes to ask yourself:

• What is the most enlightened or evolved response I could have in this situation?

• Why is it important for my own evolution for me to respond in the most enlightened, evolved way I can?

• Why does God/evolution/humanity (your choice) need me to respond in the most enlightened, evolved way I can?

Ground yourself in an intention to show up as an exemplar of humanity's potential. And then respond from this deeper intention. 

Notice how your perspective on the situation and your ability to meet it changes when you approach it in this way.

There is deep and powerful work that can be done to cultivate this perspective, to truly ground your life in this way of seeing--and even more importantly, acting.

Allow yourself to feel into the larger significance of your response to this challenging moment. 

Future Goals and Your Past

For better or worse, without your past you wouldn't be standing here today in all your richness, full of possibility - and that is a gift we awaken to daily.

Every client I coach comes to me with the hope of changing something in their life, whether their habits, coping skills, relationship, career, etc. They come longing for a future that is different from their present. Most are ready to sit down and discuss where they see themselves developing and evolving over the next month or year and almost all are surprised when I ask them to look back as well as forward. Why? Because we don't want to look at the actions and circumstances that got us to the place we're not content to be - Our Present Situation.

However, looking back as a way of moving forward is essential. When you begin to observe the treasure of characteristics that helped you along the way, it's empowering and invigorating! Just as empowering, although a bit more vulnerable, is being attentive to the characteristics and actions that have hindered you.  After all, you don't want to repeat the steps that lead to your failure, you want to learn from them. It is by far one of the lessons that people tend to resist and one that I like to reframe as: 

"All of your past has been part of your ongoing development. You are not static; you are an unfolding, evolving and interconnected individual. Some of your capacities are more developed while others are less developed.. As coach and client, we need to maintain those characteristics that have fostered your success and we need to strengthen areas that are less developed that hinder your success."

And the way to do this is to honor all parts of you. Because every part of you has a valuable lesson to teach. Yes, every part of you.

As an Integral Developmental Coach, I am most effective in assisting your growth when you are able to share not only: your joys and pleasures but your fears and anxiety; not only healthy eating habits but your lack of exercise; not only your close relationships but the people you can't stand to be around; not only the people and institutions that you feel supported by but those that you feel pull you down.

In putting this all together, we come up with a map. A map of the territory called You! You'll begin to witness the interconnected levels and stages of your life and have a better idea of where you came from, where you're going and how to get there.

Think of your past as stepping stones towards your future.  When you do this, you thrive!

Here's To Your Evolution,

John Herberger, M.Ed.

In Awakening.com

In Awakening on Facebook

Evolving Into Higher Self

Someone asked me recently, "How do I know if I'm living from my True Self rather than from my False Self (aka Egoic Self)?" 

It's a great question, especially since we often will look at the so called "good" in our lives and avoid what we label the "bad". Of course we gravitate towards self examination that revolves around our loving responses and interactions. Yet, the very thing we need is to face ourselves in all parts - even our shadow. Begin by looking at when you are responding to others (or yourself) in:

self-contraction

constant reaction

preconditioned reaction

in survival (fear) mode

This is living from ego's perspective. Don't avoid it. Take some time to examine it. It's offering you a gift. 

What lies beneath the contracted or preconditioned response in your interactions? Whether the person you are interacting with is in the car lane next to you, a coworker in the office, a server at a restaurant, your kids or your significant other.

Examining what lies beneath the response is an important question, a decidedly necessary question - if you want your True Self to unfold. And when your True Self begins to appear you make room for new possibilities. This not only improves your life, your relationships but also improves the lives of those with whom you are interacting. I guarantee your life will change. 

Our interactions require self examination for a Deeper Self to evolve. It is one of the great truths of every philosophy and religion. And most of us tend to be avoidant. Turn around and face the disowned self and you will have clarity regarding your perspective and whether you are responding from the Truer Evolving Self or your Egoic Self.

(These thoughts are not new; however, I owe much to Marc Gafni and Craig Hamilton if you care to read more on the subject)

Committing To Your Development

Nietzsche wrote,

“There are two different types of people in the world, those who want to know, and those who want to believe.” 

Knowing takes more courage than believing. Most of us will defend our beliefs even when truth stands in opposition. It is an inherent part of being human. We are attached to our own beliefs; we own them and we defend them. However, in this changing world of impermanence, to remain open is to be able to examine oneself with a self-awareness that makes room for possibilities. Remaining open allows us to develop and evolve.

Resistance is normal. All of us resist change, particularly when it comes to what we choose to believe.  I've worked with many clients over the years who were blown away when a belief they held was in opposition to a new view which was demanding consideration. They struggle to make sense of it usually by defending their belief and slowly seeing how another view fits in with the already established belief.  This is the beginning of openness for many of us.  Other clients resist with such fortitude they just continue swimming in their denial.  While the former can be scary the latter is crippling to growth.  Making room for the new perspective, the new idea, brings about a shift in awareness. This has been going on since we were born. Working with individuals, couples and families, I see shifts in beliefs happen all the time. Here are just of few examples a beliefs held by individuals at the beginning of therapy or coaching:

My parents hate me.

I only ever attract losers as dates.

I'll never be good at sports.

I'm a great husband because I'm the provider.

My website is phenomenal even though I don't get any traffic.

There is no way my kid is gay.

I could never start my own business.

The Universe/God is against me.

These beliefs have a starting place in which to begin a shift and with some commitment to being open, things will change.  For instance a person who has never excelled at sports may never had any training. A husband may be an excellent provider and may ignore the emotional needs of his wife and kids. Others may believe that fate rules their destiny and that they don't play any part in their success or failure because taking ownership was never a value instilled in them growing up.

So, if you've been holding a certain point of view for many years, it's unlikely you're just going to turn around and say "I was wrong all along.”  Of course you’re going to have some resistance.  Beginning to work through your resistance is a commitment to “knowing.”  Sure, you might say you are open to new input, but when it enters your life, are you quick to reject it?  The ego is a tricky bastard and will shape shift in order to seemingly align with your belief system.  That's often where an outside view from a coach or a therapist is helpful.

Want some clues to see if you're resisting being open? When faced with a different perspective are you falling into one of the following archetypal roles:

Judge - Righteous, digging in and insisting you're the authority on the subject

Victim - Looking to be rescued insisting you have no power

Rebel - Attacking the other view with vehement anger

Prince/Princess - Self-importance, other views are secondary or not even worth consideration

These are manifestations of the ego. Own them but don't over identify with them.  Recognize that your resistance may be keeping you from a deeper truth in your life, keeping you from developing more quickly - on both a personal and interpersonal level. Then move through them.

Here's to your continued evolution,

John

John F Herberger, M.Ed

In Awakening.com