A Response To Life's Emotionally Charged Challenges In The New Year

It's the New Year - always a great time for reflection.

I don't do resolutions for the New Year because I tend to be a "year round" goal setter and practitioner .  I'd say it probably comes from my years as a therapist and coach; it's sort of inherent to the work. Some goals are ongoing (like exercise, diet, etc.) some tend to be new (like taking a class or traveling)  and some take more effort than others because they push me beyond my comfort edge.

In December I began to revisit some of the teachings I received from one of my most beloved teachers, Craig Hamilton. I am carrying this goal into 2015. Craig's deep understanding of development, evolution and humanity not only resonates with my own understanding, it pushes me forward with loving kindness. His teachings also remind me that the "We" is greater than the "me" and that the "me" must still be given attention.

As someone who has been an undisciplined mindful meditator for years, Craig's meditation template has taken me deeper, moved me beyond myself  and allowed me to better connect with my fellow human beings (and myself) with more loving-kindness. So I'm upping my meditation and contemplation practice - yet again.

I would like to share with you a piece of Craig's teaching  regarding "challenges" that I hope you find beneficial. When I choose to pay attention and not get mindlessly caught up in an emotionally charged situation, this way of responding always brings about the best solution.

Wishing you nothing but the best in 2015,

John

Craig Hamilton on Challenges:

When you encounter a challenging and emotionally charged situation in your life, before you respond, take a few minutes to ask yourself:

• What is the most enlightened or evolved response I could have in this situation?

• Why is it important for my own evolution for me to respond in the most enlightened, evolved way I can?

• Why does God/evolution/humanity (your choice) need me to respond in the most enlightened, evolved way I can?

Ground yourself in an intention to show up as an exemplar of humanity's potential. And then respond from this deeper intention. 

Notice how your perspective on the situation and your ability to meet it changes when you approach it in this way.

There is deep and powerful work that can be done to cultivate this perspective, to truly ground your life in this way of seeing--and even more importantly, acting.

Allow yourself to feel into the larger significance of your response to this challenging moment. 

World AIDS Day Speech 2014

Anthony asked me to speak on this year’s World AIDS Day theme, 
'Focus, Partner, Achieve: An AIDS-free Generation.'
I will be looking closely at these words in this speech.  I challenge you to look closely at your own definitions and ask yourself, Where do I fit into this theme?

Focus is the first word, so when I sat down to write this speech I translated the word focus into mindful. I sat down and took some time to be Mindful, many people think it’s an overused word, what do you think? I like the word, I also like the phrase “to take Notice”. So specifically to Maui here is what I noticed.
In order to achieve an AIDS-free Gen
What must we notice here on Maui?:
We must acknowledge that this is a small island, positive or negative there is little anonymity, the coconut wireless is faster than the internet.
In small communities (especially in some ethnic communities) there is still a great fear surrounding HIV
Fear of being found out - because it is still considered shameful to be infected with HIV.
This fear stops people from coming in to be tested.
This fear stops people who are HIV+ from linking to the medical help they need.

What role do you play in addressing this fear?
Because it is only when this fear is addressed can we hope to achieve an AIDS-free generation.  We have all had some sort of our own fear surrounding HIV,
take time to be mindful, to remember what those fears were like and what helped you overcome them.  Your remembering may change a person’s life.


Let’s be mindful that when someone who is HIV+ is linked to medical care – they not only help themselves – they help the community.
An HIV+ person who has an undetectable viral load and a healthy CD4 count, they have a 96% less chance of passing the virus on to another person. This is a fantastic statistic!
Being on medication is an integral part of achieving an AIDS-free generation.

So who do we partner with in order to achieve this goal?
We (meaning professionals, families and friends – all of us) All of us have to create a safe space, a confidential place that fosters deep listening and respect.
Now how do we acknowledge the fears, validate an individual’s reality and build a relationship of trust before diving in with medication agendas and CDC guidelines?  Most every worker in the field, every partner of an HIV+ individual, every parent of and HIV+ individual knows that if someone is not ready to take their medication – they will not adhere and without adherence, a person is at risk for resistance.

We must listen deeply to see: what is at the root of their fear?
Is it Misinformation? a misunderstanding of what living with this virus means (and I do mean living – versus what they might believe is dying), Is it judgment? – self judgment as well as judgment from others,

Do their fears revolve around Proprietary needs?  - a homeless individual is not going to make meds a priority – they are going to make shelter a priority. (If we think developmentally – as in Maslow’s Hierarchy – survival needs come first, we must meet individuals at their particular need– partner with those who can assist, from a friend’s sofa, to a homeless shelter, to a housing program or in cases of domestic violence Women Helping Women.



Another survival issues is Hunger, someone who is searching to keep themselves and their family fed
are they thinking about spending money on medication? – even if it’s just a copay? No of course not. 
We must partner together . . . with the Food Bank, donations to keep our food pantry going, cooking a meal for someone in need, connecting individuals to government assistance.

What about the homeless and hungry HIV- individual?  Do you think they are putting themselves at risk in order to obtain shelter for the night or even just a meal? What is their focus?
It is also survival.
To achieve an AIDS-free generation it will take a village to address these needs (even if some of us look like the Village People – for those of you old enough to remember them)
It will take family, friends, volunteers, organizations and the government.

Another area to be mindful of are mental health issues
– someone who is unable to address their anxiety or depression either through medication, counseling or both – how likely are they to stay on their HIV medication?
Let alone that the individual may see their mental health diagnosis as yet another stigma.

It is imperative that we partner, partner with mental health professionals and partner with the individual who attempting to cope.
We must listen to our friends, our clients, to see if their therapist is a good fit, to see if the meds they are taking are making a difference for the better, not increasing mental health issues. Remember, there is no absolute science to prescribing meds, it is often a trial of a few meds before the right medication and dosage is achieved.
– we as a community need to be there helping, through direct observation and kind feedback – along with a listening heart.
If want an AIDS-free generation we must be willing to address mental health issues.

An individual who is looking for their next high -  whether it’s addiction or just substance use,
Do you think this gets in the way of making HIV adherence a priority? Of course it does.  Do you think substances interfere with an individual’s judgment? Of course they do. Poz or Neg individuals.
Often times while high, risk of transmitting the virus increases because negotiating safer practices is not a priority with dulled senses. To achieve an AIDS free generation we need the courage – all of us, not just the professionals, to address these concerns with those we care about and to address them with a nonjudgmental and compassionate heart – truthfully. 
We also need to partner with substance abuse programs to find the fit which will allow the person in need to achieve sobriety.  Whether outpatient like AA or NA or programs like Aloha House of Malama Recovery.
If we want an AIDS free generation then we are all going to need to step it up

Now imagine if your friend had a combination of these factors – this is not a task left to one of us.  It is a task for all of us. To stand together and support.

We need to embrace what is working . . . and acknowledge what isn’t!
Why is it that in young MSM in the US between the ages of 13 and 24 there has been a 300% increase in HIV? I hope this statistic shocks and saddens you as much as it does me. And that it will move us into action.
Why is it that 70% of Asian Americans have never tested? How do we reach this population?
2/3 of Native Hawaiian Pacific Islanders have never tested.  How do we change that?
We need to ask ourselves – “What role do “I” play in changing these statistics in order to achieve an AIDS free generation?
Again – what does it take to clear preconceived judgments and notice the needs of the community. We must be culturally aware. An AIDS-free generation will not be achieved if we expect a culture different from ours to accept what we have to offer
if we do not honor and accept what they have to offer.  This takes deep listening.  This takes noticing. It takes respect.
It means working with youth – listening to youth. Listening to the needs of the various ethnic communities on Maui.  It means Partnering with other organizations like Hui No Ke Ola Pono and grantors like Maui County

As for Prevention and Education – we have to meet the individual where they are.  What are they interested in?
Abstinence only?
Condoms?
Med adherence?
PrEP?
A combo of these?
When we talk to individuals, do we have our foot in one of these camps and not another? We need to take a look at this before we address prevention needs with an individual.  We need to notice our own fears and biases.
Remember, in prevention, The goal is to be heard, (I repeat) not vilify or judge.  In order to achieve an AIDS free generation we must meet individuals openly and honestly about the choices available and allow these individuals to choose the best risk-reduction that fits their worldview. And in order to do that, we may need to push our comfort edge, suspend judgment and increase our knowledge base.

Why are we still using stigmatizing language? You hear it from stranger, from friends – you may even have used it yourself.
“I’m clean you be too” – this phrase, this word “clean” implies an HIV+ person is somehow dirty.
This kind of language inhibits trust, reduces conversation between HIV+ and negative individuals, increases stigma and decreases disclosure.  In order to achieve an AIDS free generation we must “notice, pay attention” to our words and the words our friends use and push our boundaries and confront this language head on! Let’s not inhibit conversation, let’s encourage it.

The newest roadblock I’ve seen comes from the very community that has fought judgment, stigma and shame for generations. The Gay Male. What is being judged?  Of all things risk reduction.  People in the community who choose PrEP as a means of lowering risk!  They are not “Truvada Whores” – what a vulgar expression for someone who is taking responsibility for their sexual health.  If we want an AIDS free generation we must be mindful of our language and our judgments. Especially since taking PrEP as prescribed decreases HIV transmission 99+% And this study was done with magnetic partners where the HIV+ partners were not on meds and had high viral loads! The HIV- partner who took PrEP and did not contract HIV! Why would we judge this? We need to stop – especially in light of the 300% increase in HIV cases in young MSM. And in light of the fact that 47% of gay men report they do not use condoms consistently. We need to notice this judgment in our language and have the courage to confront it.
 
We need doctors.  How does one achieve an AIDS free community without doctors?  This has been a changing landscape on Maui. Yet by paying attention we can do everything in our power to advocate and plan for HIV docs t be here on Maui. Supporting our partners like Malama I Ke Ola, Mango Medical, Kaiser Permanente and Spencer Clinic.
Ideal? No. But a work in progress These partners are crucial in achieving an AIDS free generation.
The national average is that only about 25% of HIV+ individuals are linked to and in care.  Maui is double this and I am proud of our community.  But this still leaves 50% out of care. To achieve an AIDS free generation we must focus on these individuals and (what is often) their non HIV needs.

Finally, while not specific to Maui, we need to be invested.  Where would we be without financial investment from individuals and corporation? Not only locally but world wide. 
The all important funding that goes to research?
Meds have greatly improved over the years, studies continue to be conducted for a vaccine
and more and more researchers and scientist are actually hopeful for a cure.
An AIDS-free generation relies on these researchers, scientists and we rely on their partnership as well.

Finally I hope you take with you that this year’s WAD theme
'Focus, Partner, Achieve: An AIDS-free Generation. Has meaning for you. 
It is my hope you will take this phrase with you and contemplate your role in it. Be mindful of its meaning.
We owe that to every individual who has passed on, gone before us in this fight.

Mahalo for all you are.
John

My Understanding Of Karma Was Just Blown Out Of The Water!

I love when someone comes along and expands my view of the world!

I've been reading a series of articles by Ken Mcleod (a Tibetan Buddhist teacher with Taoist influences); it is his thoughts on Karma that make up the gist of this blog. To read the articles for yourself go to http://www.unfetteredmind.org/karma-genesis-conditions

I am not a Buddhist, not in the religious sense anyway. What attracts me to Buddhism are its many psychological and philosophical principles, particularly it's teachings on compassion, kindness, awareness, ego and mindfulness.

Karma is another principle that captures my attention.  In particular I have found  Gary Zukav's chapter on Karma in his book "The Seat Of The Soul", well thought through and I have often returned to that chapter many times over the last 20 years. Ken Mcleod's writings have now gifted me with a deeper understanding - another layer. So I wanted to share some of the highlights.

I often see "cause and effect" references to Karma posted on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and other social media. It's a very black and white, mechanical view. It's a westernized view that is almost scientific in nature - a law, like the law of gravity. It's viewed as punishment. Ken immediately progresses from this western concept by giving the Tibetan translation of the word "Karma":

The full term for karma in Tibetan is las.rgyu.abras which in translation yields Action-Seed-Result. 

What a different implication! Action-Seed-Result.
The idea of Karma is removed from a linear view of cause and effect and becomes multidimensional. If you're familiar with my writings you know I love developmental or evolutionary world views, so this definition easily makes sense to me. Karma can now be viewed as how our actions grow from a seed into a result. There are a chain of events from each decision we make. He postures that these chain of events are similar to an acorn becoming an oak tree. Ken writes:

"Compare this chain of cause and effect to the growth of a tree. An oak tree starts with an acorn. An acorn is not a tree. The acorn, under the right conditions (we’ll come back to this point in future articles) starts to sprout. After a short time, the acorn is gone and a shoot with growing roots and a growing stem has formed. Bark, branches, and leaves form. Totally new features emerge at different stages. An oak tree consists of many different kinds of structures, all of which have grown from the original acorn. Karma describes growth, not causation. An acorn doesn't cause an oak tree. It grows into an oak tree. Actions don’t cause our world of experience. They grow into our world of experience."

So rather than just a result from an action, there is this growing myriad of results from our actions - for us personally, for others whom our lives touch and for the relationship/interaction of us with others.

For example, our actions/choices can either reinforce a negative or positive behavior which will continue to grow; they can influence how we view the world and everything and everyone in it (are people to be used or do we treat everyone we meet - and don't meet - as sacred). Our actions will also influence how others view us (are we acting as someone who can be trusted and continuing to grow in our relationships or are we losing credibility and growing in our own self deception). Karma has internal as well as external results. There is always growth. It's a matter of what we are seeding to grow. For me there has never been a greater argument for Mindfulness or Contemplative Practices. If every action shapes our personality and our experience of the world and also takes part in the shaping of others, it is essential to develop a practice of paying attention. Mindfulness, Meditation and Contemplative Practices allow us to see what's behind certain patterns and they offer us the opportunity to let it go.

Ken elaborates on this view of Karma by writing:

To see what you've done, look at what you are.
To see what you’ll be, look at your actions.

In other words look at the person you are today. How did you become this person? Look at the actions, the decisions you've made along your past - that's how you got here. Now if you want to know what kind of person you'll be in the future, take a close look at your current actions and decisions. You don't have to be psychic to see your future.
(Before we continue, I need to pause and elaborate. While some of my language has been dualistic - positive versus negative actions - it is important to remember there is an implied hierarchy when we look at growing, at evolving. This is not an issue of good versus bad. At one level we are all one, on equal footing - this the ground of being, where we humbly and lovingly acknowledge there is no difference between us. In another sense we are in the process of becoming. Becoming implies growth. Now in order to grow, it is imperative to look at our choices through the eyes of Compassion and Loving-kindness. Looking with critical self-hatred will not yield the kind of growth that benefits us or those around us. So one of the first steps in looking at the difficult places within us is to cultivate a sense compassion and gentleness towards ourselves)

This goes way beyond a set of rules regarding our behavior.  It exceeds simplistic notions that treat Karma as a "sin", where we believe in Instant Karma as punishment. In this sense Karma means paying attention in the moment to proceed with the right choice.

Each moment brings to the forefront something that will grow out of the decisions we make in those moments.

And let's face it, paying attention, being ever mindful isn't the most natural way of proceeding. We have to cultivate this practice. It means showing up for ourselves. It means showing up for the others in our lives. When we do this Karma is a beautiful thing.

Here's to the end of suffering,
John

Future Goals and Your Past

For better or worse, without your past you wouldn't be standing here today in all your richness, full of possibility - and that is a gift we awaken to daily.

Every client I coach comes to me with the hope of changing something in their life, whether their habits, coping skills, relationship, career, etc. They come longing for a future that is different from their present. Most are ready to sit down and discuss where they see themselves developing and evolving over the next month or year and almost all are surprised when I ask them to look back as well as forward. Why? Because we don't want to look at the actions and circumstances that got us to the place we're not content to be - Our Present Situation.

However, looking back as a way of moving forward is essential. When you begin to observe the treasure of characteristics that helped you along the way, it's empowering and invigorating! Just as empowering, although a bit more vulnerable, is being attentive to the characteristics and actions that have hindered you.  After all, you don't want to repeat the steps that lead to your failure, you want to learn from them. It is by far one of the lessons that people tend to resist and one that I like to reframe as: 

"All of your past has been part of your ongoing development. You are not static; you are an unfolding, evolving and interconnected individual. Some of your capacities are more developed while others are less developed.. As coach and client, we need to maintain those characteristics that have fostered your success and we need to strengthen areas that are less developed that hinder your success."

And the way to do this is to honor all parts of you. Because every part of you has a valuable lesson to teach. Yes, every part of you.

As an Integral Developmental Coach, I am most effective in assisting your growth when you are able to share not only: your joys and pleasures but your fears and anxiety; not only healthy eating habits but your lack of exercise; not only your close relationships but the people you can't stand to be around; not only the people and institutions that you feel supported by but those that you feel pull you down.

In putting this all together, we come up with a map. A map of the territory called You! You'll begin to witness the interconnected levels and stages of your life and have a better idea of where you came from, where you're going and how to get there.

Think of your past as stepping stones towards your future.  When you do this, you thrive!

Here's To Your Evolution,

John Herberger, M.Ed.

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Evolving Into Higher Self

Someone asked me recently, "How do I know if I'm living from my True Self rather than from my False Self (aka Egoic Self)?" 

It's a great question, especially since we often will look at the so called "good" in our lives and avoid what we label the "bad". Of course we gravitate towards self examination that revolves around our loving responses and interactions. Yet, the very thing we need is to face ourselves in all parts - even our shadow. Begin by looking at when you are responding to others (or yourself) in:

self-contraction

constant reaction

preconditioned reaction

in survival (fear) mode

This is living from ego's perspective. Don't avoid it. Take some time to examine it. It's offering you a gift. 

What lies beneath the contracted or preconditioned response in your interactions? Whether the person you are interacting with is in the car lane next to you, a coworker in the office, a server at a restaurant, your kids or your significant other.

Examining what lies beneath the response is an important question, a decidedly necessary question - if you want your True Self to unfold. And when your True Self begins to appear you make room for new possibilities. This not only improves your life, your relationships but also improves the lives of those with whom you are interacting. I guarantee your life will change. 

Our interactions require self examination for a Deeper Self to evolve. It is one of the great truths of every philosophy and religion. And most of us tend to be avoidant. Turn around and face the disowned self and you will have clarity regarding your perspective and whether you are responding from the Truer Evolving Self or your Egoic Self.

(These thoughts are not new; however, I owe much to Marc Gafni and Craig Hamilton if you care to read more on the subject)

Committing To Your Development

Nietzsche wrote,

“There are two different types of people in the world, those who want to know, and those who want to believe.” 

Knowing takes more courage than believing. Most of us will defend our beliefs even when truth stands in opposition. It is an inherent part of being human. We are attached to our own beliefs; we own them and we defend them. However, in this changing world of impermanence, to remain open is to be able to examine oneself with a self-awareness that makes room for possibilities. Remaining open allows us to develop and evolve.

Resistance is normal. All of us resist change, particularly when it comes to what we choose to believe.  I've worked with many clients over the years who were blown away when a belief they held was in opposition to a new view which was demanding consideration. They struggle to make sense of it usually by defending their belief and slowly seeing how another view fits in with the already established belief.  This is the beginning of openness for many of us.  Other clients resist with such fortitude they just continue swimming in their denial.  While the former can be scary the latter is crippling to growth.  Making room for the new perspective, the new idea, brings about a shift in awareness. This has been going on since we were born. Working with individuals, couples and families, I see shifts in beliefs happen all the time. Here are just of few examples a beliefs held by individuals at the beginning of therapy or coaching:

My parents hate me.

I only ever attract losers as dates.

I'll never be good at sports.

I'm a great husband because I'm the provider.

My website is phenomenal even though I don't get any traffic.

There is no way my kid is gay.

I could never start my own business.

The Universe/God is against me.

These beliefs have a starting place in which to begin a shift and with some commitment to being open, things will change.  For instance a person who has never excelled at sports may never had any training. A husband may be an excellent provider and may ignore the emotional needs of his wife and kids. Others may believe that fate rules their destiny and that they don't play any part in their success or failure because taking ownership was never a value instilled in them growing up.

So, if you've been holding a certain point of view for many years, it's unlikely you're just going to turn around and say "I was wrong all along.”  Of course you’re going to have some resistance.  Beginning to work through your resistance is a commitment to “knowing.”  Sure, you might say you are open to new input, but when it enters your life, are you quick to reject it?  The ego is a tricky bastard and will shape shift in order to seemingly align with your belief system.  That's often where an outside view from a coach or a therapist is helpful.

Want some clues to see if you're resisting being open? When faced with a different perspective are you falling into one of the following archetypal roles:

Judge - Righteous, digging in and insisting you're the authority on the subject

Victim - Looking to be rescued insisting you have no power

Rebel - Attacking the other view with vehement anger

Prince/Princess - Self-importance, other views are secondary or not even worth consideration

These are manifestations of the ego. Own them but don't over identify with them.  Recognize that your resistance may be keeping you from a deeper truth in your life, keeping you from developing more quickly - on both a personal and interpersonal level. Then move through them.

Here's to your continued evolution,

John

John F Herberger, M.Ed

In Awakening.com

The Body Is A Container For Your Emotions (Is Your Container Leaking?)

Have you ever noticed a child on a playground fall down and skin their knee?  Often times they will look up stunned, searching the scene for their parent or caretaker and only when their parent is within sight does the child begins to cry.  A good parent will scoop up the child in their arms, allow them to cry, begin to soothe the child’s emotional fear by talking to the child, reframing their fear and then instill a belief that everything will be ok. The parent is a container for their child’s emotion.  In most cases this is all the child needs and within minutes they are back playing with their friends.

As we develop into adolescence and further into adulthood we learn to contain our own emotions and rely less on others for validation. Some of us are better at it than others.  That’s okay because it’s one of those areas in life we can always cultivate.

Many of us have worked to ensure we become more adept at dealing with our emotions.  We read self-help books, attend workshops and surround our self with like-minded people.

Yet at the same time we overload ourselves with tasks, workloads, information and technology.  This wears the body down and over time the ignored body is no longer proficient at holding our emotions.

So what are some ways we can honor the body, ensuring it continues to be an effective emotional container?

1.      Sleep – science has indicated that lack of deep sleep is epidemic in our western society.  Most people need 8 hours of sleep a night to refresh the body and process the day’s information. The average person is falling 2 to 3 hours short of this goal.  If this is true for you, begin by increasing your sleep by half hour increments a week.  Prepare for bed a half hour earlier; set the tone by shutting off technology and cultivating a space to enter into sleep. Not only will your body be a better container for your daily emotions, many emotions may be processed while sleeping.

2.      Exercise – even if it’s walking 15 minutes after dinner. This doesn’t have to be an intense workout or yoga routine.  Start where you are and build from there. If you did 10 minutes of exercise each weekday morning, focusing on a different body part you will have exercised 50 minutes a week and you’ll increase your health, body image and work out some stress.

3.      Breathe - there is nothing easier.  Much has been written on various breathing techniques; however, you can begin by simply counting your in-breath, holding for one second and then making your out-breath at least one second longer than your in-breath.  Do this for 5 to 15 minutes a day and watch the stress melt away and feel your body relax and unwind.

4.      Diet – are you feeding your emotional container what it needs, fresh vegetables and fruits, less processed foods, caffeine and alcohol?  Again, you can start slow. Add a piece of fruit to your diet while cutting back on one caffeine drink a day.  Stimulants and depressants will not allow the body to contain emotions effectively - for many reasons the least of which are serotonin levels that effect mood.

5.      Contemplate and/or Meditate – spend some time contemplating a reading, journaling or meditating.  This does not require hours sitting on a mat in a lotus position.  It can be as little as 10 minutes in the morning, on lunch break or before bed. Sit quietly and let go.

In some ways this is your higher-self parenting the developing emotional-self,  holding the wounded emotions soothingly in its arms.  It is a stance of compassionate and loving-kindness directed toward self. 

I leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements.  He states “Always Do Your Best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.”

John Herberger, M.Ed.

InAwakening.com